Gabrielle Anwar/Instagram Gabrielle Anwar shared her lifelong struggle with bipolar disorder, explaining that her first manic episode occurred when she was 11 TheBurn Noticealum, 54, said she had manic and depressive episodes, and once punched her now-husband during one of her "violent rages" Now that she has found the right medication, she feels like she has a "second chance" to be the "loving, present force" for her granddaughter that she wasn't able to be for her children Gabrielle Anwarshared her lifelong struggle with bipolar disorder, saying she was prone to "violent rages" until she found the right medication. In a personal essay forBusiness Insider, Anwar, 54 said that she was "emotionally unstable" as a child and had her first manic episode at age 11 when she began menstruating. Her behavior got her expelled from school, she said. "Everything was either euphoric or devastating," she recalled. "There was no middle ground." Anwar looked for solace in acting, explaining, "I could channel my emotional extremes into my characters." She found success shortly after moving to Los Angeles, and was just 23 when she filmed the iconic dance scene withAl Pacinoin 1992'sScent of a Woman. Moviestore/Shutterstock But, as theBurn Noticealum wrote, "Behind the scenes, I was drowning." She struggled in relationships, conceiving her first child, Willow, during a one night stand with an ex. Eventually, she says, "I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. That's when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was both a relief and a heartbreak. Relief that my pain had a name. Heartbreak that there was no cure." Bipolar disorder is a manic-depressive illness of the brain that causes extreme changes in mood and energy levels, according to theNational Institute of Mental Health. It is largely characterized by manic episodes (periods of elation and hyperactivity), which are then followed by depressive episodes (sadness and depression). Treatment is generally a combination of therapy and medication, but as Anwar writes, "For years, I resisted medication. I was vegan, holistic, and saw pharmaceuticals as a flaw, something shameful. And honestly, I didn't want to lose the highs of mania; they made me feel powerful." But the lows, she writes, were "unbearable," she said. "I experienced violent rages that frightened the people I loved. I once punched my now-husband in the face twice during an episode early in our relationship," she said about financier and Miami restauranteurShareef Malnik. They married in 2015, but as she wrote, "I thought he'd walk away." She was in her 40s when she found "the right medication, the right brand, dosage, and combination. It was a process, and I want people to know that. Healing doesn't happen overnight." Glenn Watson/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty She opened up about feeling like she wasn't a stable parent. "Motherhood was my purpose, but I wasn't always good at it," she said, adding that she will always regret not being emotionally available for her children. But "becoming a grandmother has given me a second chance," and "I get to be the kind of loving, present force for my granddaughter (who was born in 2024) that I wasn't able to be for my kids." "I used to think I was broken. Now I know I'm whole," Anwar concluded. "I'm not perfect, but I'm here, I'm healthy, and I'm doing the work. And that, to me, is the real happy ending." Never miss a story — sign up forPEOPLE's free daily newsletterto stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Read the original article onPeople